Before you answer, consider these real scenarios where I kept quiet but inside my head I was saying, "Oh honey...really?"
-Individual whines about inability to lose weight but orders the largest steak on the menu and gobbles down every last morsel along with loaded baked potato. Statement is made that it's a reward for 30 minutes on the elliptical machine earlier in the day.
-Individual has been on one unsuccessful "diet" or another for the past 13 years and just finished describing the diet cookies that Woman's Day magazine claims will help her lose weight.
-Individual states that weight gain is the result of friends' invitations to go out for meals several times per week.
-Individual beams with pride over choice to give up regular lunch of burger and fries and replace with two granola bars.
-Individual has gained weight while on an exercise routine that consists of walking on the treadmill while reading a magazine.
-Individual expresses frustration over steady weight gain while staying vigilant about diet. Is observed on several occasions using two scoops each of powdered coffee creamer and sugar in coffee and slathering copious amounts of mayonnaise on sandwiches. Note: Individual's freezer is never without at least two half gallons of full fat ice cream.
My theory is that etiquette pros would advise me to listen without comment or suggest that the individual seek the assistance of a professional.
What say you? Is it ever okay to give unsolicited advice? What about asking a leading question that could get the person to view their situation from another side?
I'm being quite honest here, these scenarios cause me stress and grief beyond words -- because I hear these types of things all day long in my studio.
ReplyDeleteThe reality Karen, is people belive what they want to belive, and they hear what they wish to hear. I have clients who I have been suggesting to, preaching to, teaching to, FOR YEARS, and their ears are made of Teflon. My wisdom, and I don't mind calling it that, goes unheard. Self improvement is a perverse universe....
Eek - I'm sort of against giving unsolicited advice. Okay, maybe I try it on my husband:) But it never works. And often backfires, IMO.
ReplyDeleteAnd I just have to pipe up about the grammar because I hear people say things incorrectly all the time and it drives me crazy! I did finally correct my mom once on a very inconsistent misuse of a common word. But I had two reasons for doing it. She corrects me! And I used to misuse the same word in the same way until someone at my job corrected ME!
My thoughts are that the person probably already knows what they are doing wrong but just does not want it bad enough to give up those items. If they already know, then most things you say will be pointless anyway.
ReplyDeleteThe only exception to that is my believe that most people really have no clue how many calories they are consuming or how few calories are burned by walking at 2mph for 20 minutes.
To those I have 'helped' over the last 5 months, the only initial advice I will give is to create an account on an online food diary/tracking website and track your foods with 100% honesty and completeness for a week. If after seeing the numbers for a week, they do not want to change or do not ask the question, "how can I get those numbers down", then anything I say is not going to help.
Change has to come from within. You have to want it.. and it has to be a lifestyle change and not some 'plan'. I am no expert in any of this, I can only go by what I have learned myself.. but for long term success, you can't be jumping on and off a plan. As I heard Jillian Michaels say in a podcast, there is nothing wrong with Good fats and Good carbs. They should all be part of your diet.
Well, like Bzybee said: Change has to come from within. You have to want it..
ReplyDeleteMy heart can be breaking for someone I care about, but if they don't want to hear advice, it's only gonna drive them away, and they build up thicker walls of resistance. (Now, if they ASK my opinion, all bets are off!)
I was put on my first diet at age 10. Been on "diets" ever since. Tried everything for years that was said to be "the" way. Failed too many times to count. I finally didn't want to hear anyone's bright ideas or latest suggestions. And, when I finally started hearing one way over and over for years (to stop eating sugar and flour), I didn't WANT to give up my "drug" of choice. Not for years. But that seed was planted. I saw my brother, then my sister become diabetic. I lost my own health to morbid obesity.
I was finally ready to "want it". Ready to give up my escape drug, ready to change. Well, to try anyway. I'm still working on it, as you know. :-)
Sorry, too many words to say: ditto to what Byzbee said, LOL!
I agree with the others in that people down deep know what they are doing & just don't want to put in the hard work.... me, I would probably say something but in the best way possible to try to teach something from what was said but in the long run, if they are not ready or don't really want to do it - well - you know BUT I would try. Hard not to say something, especially if I know the person...
ReplyDeleteI've been in several situations where I have talked to people about their health due to weight issues. Being a doctor does give me a little more leeway. However, guess what? Unless they come asking for advice from me, they NEVER change because I suggest it. They are usually polite though.
ReplyDeleteThe sad thing is, because of the vast amount of data that backs up my advice, they often go on to have significant problems, and have even died (from a strike)stubborn in their denial to the end.
The problem is that 90% of the time, people don't want to hear the truth. They don't want to hear that when they're overweight their metabolism is likely to actually be faster than most normal weight people because it means that they would have to take responsibility for the way that they are. Although it would be great if people appreciated being told the truth, most of the time, it'll just make you unpopular!
ReplyDeleteThese scenarios seriously sound so familiar to me, I've run into more than one of them with a friend of mine who is trying to lose weight. It's definitely a tough line of when to say something and when not to, I have been biting my tongue because I don't want to come off as preachy - especially because it's not like I've been 100% successful myself so who am I to talk? But I definitely think it's worth bringing up your thoughts on the subject, you just have to find a way to trick the other person into asking your opinion.
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