There are those type of people who make lemonade from lemons and then there are the "Debbies" of the world. "Debbie" was a former co-worker who could find the negative in any situation. If it was someone's birthday, she was allergic to chocolate and couldn't have a piece of the celebratory cake. If she received a bonus in her paycheck, it didn't really help, it was going straight to pay off bills. When there was a minor problem that was no more than a blip on the radar of the rest of the office, Debbie could spin it into a catastrophe the size of Hurricane Katrina. It was comical to some extent, but maddening to another. My secret nickname for her was Eeyore.
Initially, when I first met Debbie, I would try to empathize with her and attempt to help her see the silver lining to the cloud she thought constantly hung over her. That became old quite rapidly as anything that you added in the way of a positive response was met with another reason why life sucked. I started to avoid her like the plague. I didn't need her constant whining and negativity in my life. When we are surrounded by those who bemoan every minute disappointment it brings us down to that level. No one needs that.
When I first began reading fitness/wellness/weight loss blogs last November, I could almost instantly identify the "Debbies" in the community. They were the ones who were constantly saying things like, "I messed up again. How could I eat an entire box of Krispie Kreams in one sitting?!!!" My approach, just like when I met my co-worker was to leave a positive response, "Get back on the horse, this is just a minor misstep." After hearing the same things again and again, I wished I could take hold of their shoulders and give them a good shake. (While shouting, "Why did you buy a box of KrispieKreams in the first place!" ) Likely, even if I could have, it wouldn't have helped. More often than not, the Debbies of the world get some reward from complaining. Maybe it is sympathy that they crave. Maybe it is the forgiveness of their "sins" that they want. Either way, Debbies take, but rarely give back.
Several times on this blog I've shared an approach that my favorite professor in college, Dr. Hurst, taught me. It's the "What are you going to do about it approach?" This is where you ask Mr. or Ms. Whiny Pants what they are planning to do to make the situation right. Generally, this shuts them up quick. If you're lucky, they will take action, if not, it's their turn to avoid YOU like the plague. Either way, you win.
Recently, I shared with a few of the friends I've made in the blogging community my approach to dealing with the "Debbies" in the blogosphere. I simply stopped following their blogs. This may seem harsh, after all, we often blog to reach out for support. I'm not talking about the occasional mention of a problem, I'm talking post after post describing ad nauseam the daily trials of their life. IMO, if an individual consistently complains and doesn't take action, our support is never going to be enough. That individual has to make a conscious decision to change. The blogging community may be a crutch for them, but it might also be the very thing that fans their negativity fire.
The Debbies in the world are blind to the concept of accentuating the positive and our constant gestures to help them open their eyes can take a toll on us as well. I'm happy to point them in a positive direction, but only once or twice. After that, it's their responsibility to decide which path they plan to take.
How do you handle negative people? Do you find my tough love approach too harsh or can you see the logic I use?
This really hits me. Here is my blogging story: once upon a time I had a glass that was more than half full. I wrote with optimism. Life was good. And ironically, the one friend I told about my blog said she stopped reading because she was struggling with her eating and my success was making her more depressed. Eventually, I started slipping and struggling myself. ("You can start reading again, Friend," I thought to myself.) And in my honesty I am sure I had my Eeyore moments. I felt the shift in my writing and in my life at the same time. And again, ironically, some of my readers told me how much they appreciated my honesty and that they could identify with me. Hmm.
ReplyDeleteI guess I still write primarily for me... what is going on in my journey or my mind. I think that for most of us, who are not blogging for profit, that's what drives our content. I hope that my posts will be more more Tigger and less Eeyore. And for me, I appreciate all the support I get in the blogworld, whether it is tough love and honesty or commiseration. And I try to give it back to others.
I have to admit that I follow a similar approach and I won't even pretend it's for their own good.
ReplyDeleteHaving suffered from depression in the past, I've learned that the worst thing to do is wallow. For me, I can only handle so much of somebody else's wallowing. It pulls me down, and for my own good, I pay far more attention to the people in my life (and in the blogosphere) that are positive.
Like you, an occasional down post is one thing. Wallowing is another. And wallowing without consider action is even worse.
This "Debbie" tries to be positive. :)
I, too, try and avoid the negative "Debbies" of this world; it can be especially hard if they're family members, however.
ReplyDeleteI don't think your approach is too harsh. Often, spending time with "Debbie's" has an impact on how you feel. If you constantly hear about how bad something is all the time, that's liable to impact your appraisal of the situation.
We're responsible for ourselves. I think it's important to remember that you are the only one who can really take care of you and that spending your time with people who enrich your life is the best way you can live it.
Thankyou - I enjoyed your post :).
Hmmm. I had several responses to this post. As I tried to formulate my reply, I read Karen's comment. She said what I wanted to say. So, :) what commenter Karen said!
ReplyDeleteI guess to add my own 2 cents worth. Wallowing in self-pity and stating reality are two different things. Often reality is not pretty.
Everyone blogs for their own reasons--if light entertainment and blowing sunshine is what you need...if the nitty-gritty of another's life depresses you, then you are wise not to follow someone who is honest about their struggles.
But, when it comes down to it--what commenter Karen said!
Deb--with a y not an ie.
Hello Sunshine! I can see your logic and I'm glad I moved out of the Debbie Downer group after years of crying and moaning about my inability to lose weight. I was stressed out and miserable and my blog was the one place I could vent about it but I'm sure many were sick of listening to me whine. Things have changed for the better since I got laid off and started making real progress towards my goals. Having a positive attitude definitely helps me get through the day.
ReplyDeleteI'm a very positive person so whenever i encounter a "debbie" I try to stay away as much as possible. Btw, this is a really great blog :)
ReplyDeleteKaren-The story about the person who felt depressed by your success is precisely my definition of the "Debbie". This person, like my Debbie, took something that could have been positive, the fact that it is possible to succeed, and turned it into a negative (all about herself, I might add!)
ReplyDeleteI'm 100% fine with mentioning a problem every so often, we all have them. I'm talking about those who NEVER have anything positive to say.
First, find a new nickname for Debbie. Eeyore is my favorite and I will defend his honor in a most vigorous way!
ReplyDeleteHow do I dealwith Debbie's, I usually stick in there quite a while before abandoning them. But, if they are consumed with being on the bottom of every decision, there comes a point that you realize they don't want to be anywhere but there, on the bottom.
Oddly, some people like losing. ANd they like sympathy they get from others seeing them down. I can't figure it out, but some just do. Once I realize that I find it important to not feed them what they are addicted for, bogus sympathy.
Oh, and remember; Eeyore rules!
I am happy to share that my girlfriend has since lost weight and gotten back on track! She was actually my workout and diet buddy for years before she moved away. She introduced me to Weight Watchers and held my hand as we tried out indoor cycling. I jokingly tell her it was her moving away that led to me gaining weight!
ReplyDeleteI'm definitely an optimist. I have a few friends and coworkers who are "Debbies". The way I deal with them depends on my mood; sometimes I'll listen and try to empathize, sometimes I'll quietly avoid them and sometimes I'll lecture them about how they're being a completely twat.
ReplyDeleteIn general, though, I'd rather surround myself with positive people. It's less exhausting - mentally and emotionally!
Sometimes I ignore the Debbie's but then sometimes I just get them going more by pointing out even more things that would get them going. Depends on how I'm feeling and how much they're annoying me :-)
ReplyDeleteOh shoot I forgot to mention: I won my Bigstridea contest! Thank you for voting!
ReplyDeleteThis is a timely post for me.I have been feeling like posting about this very subject.
ReplyDeleteMisery loves company they say and I think people who are struggling like to be around others with the same problem as it is comforting for them.
Every motivational speaker or book tells you to surround yourself with like minded successful people. Success breeds success.
When I encounter people such as Debbie downer in the blog community I try to be helpful and supportive. When it goes on and on and nothing really changes, then I make the choice to stop visiting their blog.
I really need to keep life positive and too much of the negative talk starts to chip away at me. Besides I find it counter productive when it is week after week of poor me. I don't surround myself with people like that in my daily life so I won't continue to visit them on line either.
I understand what you are getting at... you are referring to those that STAY down, and no matter what you say, they will respond with "YES, BUT...".
ReplyDeleteI might be too sensitized on this to be objective, because I have a relative that spent around 20 years depressed, tried all the typical meds to no effect (mostly because she refused to let go of the bitterness that was destroying her; & everything was always someone elses fault, etc), she threatened suicide regularly, but since she made 12 actual attempts over the years, we had to respond, since we never knew if this cry was "the" one.
She held the whole family as emotional hostages for so long... it was exhausting. I am soooooooooooo thankful she has made progress! For her AND for our sakes.
But it got to where, for my own sanity, I had to look at the ringing phone caller ID, because unless I was "up", there were days I just could not handle one more go around of doom and gloom, oh-poor-me.
Sorry to be so long-winded... unless you have been on the receiving end of this kind of darkness, you don't know how it can drag you down with them, like an anchor.
I never gave up on this person, though, because I loved her. And her pain of course, was a zillion times worse than mine.
So yeah, I must conclude by saying that I no longer allow any new ANCHORS in my life.
In my opinion, you ARE showing compassion by trying to offer encouragement, but you are also healthy enough not to allow yourself to be suckered into an UNhealthy dynamic with someone who has no interest in changing or improving their life.
Sorry, I'll shut up now! :-)
Loretta
=^..^=
PS: "Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the nonpharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure, and separates the victim from reality." --John W Gardner
I know a few people who seem to be desperate for attention and this is a good way to get it. Eventually, they'll drive people away. But in the meantime, new people will come, so it's a cycle.
ReplyDeleteI have no patience for it at all!
Great post Karen! I agree... we all have our times but the constant day after day or even hour after hour can just wear the other person down that is listening... enough is enough. We can't avoid some bad but we can try to make things better that are withing our control.
ReplyDeleteLike you, I don't follow some that went on day after day.... like you said, don't but it or bring it in the house!
I don't think you are too harsh! I have my constant battles with certain things in my life BUT I don't bring them to the blog as the blog is there to help people at least what I want to do at my blog. With one on one friends, I talk it out with them.
This is a hard one for me because this has been the toughest year of my life, hands down. Definitely have felt like Debbie many times, but tried to hide her, and not always sure that I did a good job of that.
ReplyDeleteRight now, I'm happy that I made my goal of getting a new job, but I'm very apprehensive about my ability to learn so many new things and take on some relatively big responsibilities. I convinced the interviewers that I "can do", now I have to prove it on the job and to myself! I have to push Debbie out my way! I know that.
Regarding weight, from the perspective of someone with a lifelong weight problem, I try not to judge how negative/obsessed/envious of others/etc. others become about their weight because I've been to all of those places. They're not fun, and not easy to escape from. That's all I'm sayin....
I try to avoid negative people, but of course that can not always be done. Funny, my current column is on optimism :-)
ReplyDeleteMaybe we can train the negative into a positive. Actually we can with "positive psychology."
Karen, great post, as per usual. People who are constantly negative are blocking themselves from making any progress in life, be it losing weight, finding a new job, etc. Having suffered with depression, and a self-critical outlook when I was younger, I've finally learned to become a more positive person - doing this helped me start a blog, and work toward other life goals. It's a lot easier to be negative and not take responsibility for your choices, than it is to be positive and be in charge of your self-growth.
ReplyDeleteI read in a book recently that we often let our circumstances dictate our attitudes, when we need to realize that our attitudes are really a choice we make.
I had a few "Debbies" in my life at one time, but they are no longer in my life, for obvious reasons. We had to read the book "The No COmplaining Rule" for work, and I think it's one that everyone should read! It talked about turning every bad situation into a positive one, and it was a really quite read, which was well worth my time.
ReplyDeleteGreat post.
I couldn't agree more! I have had to stop following quite a few people who weren't inspiring me to become better- not saying everyone has to be victorious 100% of the time, but effort shows.
ReplyDeleteLove your blog, as always :)
hey!! you have a wonderful blog. thanks for sharing your live and experience here. keep it up and never give up. you can do it.
ReplyDeleteDid you and I work in the same office because I have a Debbie in my office too! And I do avoid her like the plague. I am a positive person and I don't need the constant and never ending reasons why each day is worse than the one before.
ReplyDeleteI think these people secretly like the drama of having something not going in the right direction.
And I agree with you that I stop reading blogs that are consistently negative - life is too short!
p.s. I just stumbled upon you, but I like your writing style! :D
id go with tough love!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteit does work
Love this post too! It's true that misery does love company, and you can usually tell if a blogger is a 'Debbie' after reading a few posts. It's more of a life perspective, reading how they might try to fix a situation or if is just another reason 'their life sucks'. Everyone has bad days, but happiness is not a result of a situation, it's a decision. =]
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with this one Karen. There's a huge difference between someone who writes about a struggle, but can see how to make a change and how to shift it back to the positive and a "Debbie" who gets stuck in the negative ALL the time.
ReplyDeleteMy strategy is like yours, leave it outside my world. Its funny too - even in my real life I'm careful about who I include in my community, that they are positive individuals and that we can support each other. Only makes sense to me to build a community of those who generate energy instead of suck it out of the air!
I do my best to stay positive, even in the face of adversity, though I do "have my days!" I try to avoid those who complain or talk poorly of others as a means of keeping that positive outlook. Surrounding yourself with positive influences makes a huge difference in one's outlook on life - it certainly does for me.
ReplyDeleteGreat post! I try to be a positive blogger as well, we all have our "down days" but life is a celebration... no point in wasting it being negative:)
ReplyDeleteI try to ignore negative people. They can only bring you down. But if it's a friend who is being negative, I do my best to bring her right back up!
ReplyDelete~Sophia
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