What Are You Going to Do About It?

Dr. Hurst was a no-nonsense kind of man. He taught a class called "Problem Solving" that ended up being the most useful class that I took during my four years of college. Most of his lessons focused on common sense techniques that would help us avoid making the kind of mistakes that lead us into hot water. He talked a lot about planning ahead, making lists and prioritizing, but the most useful nugget that I got from his class was a tip he gave regarding dealing with people who whine.

I'm sure that we have all known our share of whiny people. To me, the thing that is most irritating about whiners is that they never seem to do anything to make things better. They do, however, waste a lot of precious time complaining, theirs and ours. Dr. Hurst said that there was a sure fire way to stop the whining: Ask the offender "What are you going to do about it?" He advised that one of two things would happen. (I'm paraphrasing here.)

The person is going to be really pissed that you expect them to do something besides whine. They enjoy a good rant. This stops them dead in their tracks. It's no fun complaining if you don't have a captive audience. They will move on to their next victim. Your half of the problem is solved.

or

The person will stop and think about what you said. It's possible that they never looked at action as an option. Sometimes the kindest thing that you can do when you really want to help someone is to point out that they have options, they simply need to act.

Recently I used the "What are you going to do about it approach" with a woman who was complaining about her emotional eating. It was not her fault she said. She wasn't treated right as a child. No one cherished her or nurtured her. Food was her only comfort and it was working for her. Hers was a sad, but common, story. I told her, with all due respect, binge eating was only a temporary fix to her problem. In the long run she was creating a larger problem. I asked her the big question. She chose the first option, she was furious. She told me, in so many words, to get off my pedestal. I told her what Dr. Hurst said about the kindest way to help someone was to let them know that they could help themselves. I didn't push it further. It's her choice to act or not to act to solve her problem. She was letting the people who hurt her as a child control her. I believe that she truly thought that her only power was the power to control what went into her mouth. I haven't heard from her since. Dr. Hurst was right, my half of the problem was solved. I won't have to listen to her complain again. But it still pains me to know that she might continue her emotional eating. I hope she will rethink the second option and take steps to resolve her issues.

If you whine to me, be forewarned, I'm going to hold you accountable for finding a solution. I'm going to ask the question. I'll do it because I care enough about you to ask that hard question. It's not an easy question to answer. Taking action can be hard work. It can be scary. Not taking action is far worse.